I Would Like You to Know (with apologies to Ana Castillo)

I would like you to know

I am more than a

soft-spoken girl

who is always trying to avoid conflict.

I am never without

a million thoughts and issues

running through my head

at any given moment.


I do not merely

go with the flow

trusting that

everything will be all right

and that I can’t do anything

about it because me being me,

I have to feel like I’m always in control.


I am not just a complacent girl,

accepting everything as fact

and being too afraid to have my own opinions.

That is not me.


I do not know everything

about everything

even though sometimes I think I do.


Those are the facts.


I would like you to know

that my to do list is always

growing and never shrinking.

Sometimes I think that I

have to do everything by myself

even though I don’t really have to.

Even though half the things

I say I’m going to do

will never get done, I still keep adding to it anyway.


I do not believe

I am the same person

I was a year ago or

that I look at life

the same way I did last year.

I wish I could simply

make up the reasons

why I am the way I am,

but that would be lying.

Sometimes I can go days

without thinking about

anxiety, death and

shame, but that

almost never happens.

I am often thankful

that life keeps going forward

and never backward,

because the past scares me.


I would like you to know

that I still think of life

as an adventure.

I’m excited for all of the twists and turns,

even though the future scares me

a little bit too.


But my struggles define me

and sometimes I’m even grateful for them.

Life is crazy and I know that,

but I am ready to face it.


A Comment on Feminism

During the past couple of years, the world wide web has seen an increase in articles dedicated to speaking out for women’s rights and claiming to be the works of “feminists”. I applaud these articles, they are against the norm and their intentions are good. Some articles however, appear problematic to me. The main point of so many of these blog entry’s is to speak out against other women, saying that they are not true feminists because of certain arguments that they make and then they proceed to explain why they are the real feminists. I have a problem with this for many reasons. First off, feminism is

  1. belief in women’s rights: belief in the need to secure rights and opportunities for women equal to those of men, or a commitment to securing these

and therefore anyone who believes in rights is a feminist. Calling someone out for not being “feminist enough” when they are speaking out about current issues that women are facing in the modern world is simply not correct. Also, feminism is the fight for women against society, against culture. We need to work together, not against each other. Putting down the arguments of women who are trying to speak out while constitutional, is redundant. There is no person who is more feminist than another. If you believe in women’s rights, boom you are a feminist. Let’s fight against our  real enemy, not our own teammates.



Virginity Is A Social Construct

I love this

The Belle Jar

Jezebel published a piece today with the title “Nearly 1% Of Women Claim They Were Virgins When They Gave Birth,” and, because this is Jezebel we’re talking about here, they used this as an opportunity to shame and belittle the women who say that they became pregnant while still virgins. And just so we all understand what author Erin Gloria Ryan means by virgins, she writes that they are women who,

“… were unpenetrated by the peen of a man when they became pregnant.”

She further explains,

“This doesn’t include women who became pregnant via in vitro fertilization or artificial insemination; these are women who gave birth the old fashioned way and were like *shrug! SERIOUSLY GUYS I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW THIS HAPPENED!”

Then (incorrectly) asserts,

“Getting pregnant without sex is virtually scientifically impossible, yet dozens of women in the study (who were teens when the…

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What is love? Is it simply a choice? Or is it simply a feeling? Perhaps it is neither. Perhaps it is both. Is the love for family different than the love for a significant other? In some ways yes, in some ways no. Society compels us to love our families, but it doesn’t compel us to love every boy we meet. Or maybe it does. We don’t choose to love our families at first, but as the road gets tougher, maybe we do. We do seem to choose which boys to love though. Nobody falls in love with every boy they meet, and if they do, it is not real, because love is more special than that. But maybe it isn’t. So in this sense, I believe that love is a choice. But it is also a feeling, an emotion. It doesn’t always happen when it is supposed to, and sometimes it cannot be stopped. Love is just a big fat maybe. Maybe it is a feeling, maybe it is a choice. Maybe it will last. Maybe it won’t. Maybe it is real. Maybe it’s not. Maybe I’m a naive romantic. Maybe I’m a naïve cynic. And maybe I have no idea about anything that I am talking about. Because love is like that too. I do know though that nobody knows everything about love, for it is both a mystery and an adventure.


That Summer

Last summer was the most challenging yet most wonderful one yet. It all started when I met you. You seemed ordinary at first. Everyone did. Nobody stood out to me, but as I got to know the group, everyone seemed to change in appearance. It’s weird how that happens. When you first meet someone, you just see an ordinary face; unless they are particularly attractive, there is nothing special noticed. But when you get to know them, their personality, their story, you really see them. The flaws about their appearance, and the beautiful parts too. That’s what happened with you. Blonde and blue eyed. I had never liked a blonde before. Maybe that’s why I didn’t realized I was in love with you until much later. We did not start talking until halfway through our experience at camp together. At the time, I thought it was only because you sort of scared me; you were intimidating. Looking back however, I realized it was because I was preoccupied. There was another one to think about. A brunette. He caught my eye and I was hooked; until I found out he had a girlfriend at home. I wasn’t as disappointed as I would have been under different circumstances. We started talking and I was interested. I wondered why he seemed so interested in me. I soon found out that I reminded him of his girl back home. Same smile, same sense of humor, same demeanor. As he described it, we were both squishy on the inside yet hard on the outside. He saw me. He found out everything about me without me even telling him a word of my life. Never before had I been with a guy and not felt attraction. I loved him. But not as a significant other.  Just as a friend. And I was surprised; usually every guy I have a relationship with is because of mutual attraction. But with the brunette, everything was simple. I knew he had a girlfriend, and he knew that I knew that. It was a perfect relationship. Maybe that is why I never noticed you. I never noticed you always staring at me. I never noticed how completely infatuated you were with me. I had you hooked. And I only realized that months later. When the summer was coming to an end and we met up at a friends house, we were so caught up in each other, but I never knew why. I did not consciously make a decision that I liked you until the fall. And that was perfection. I was impulsive with you during our reunion that night at the end of summer. I just talked and acted without realizing why I was doing it. We flirted next to each other on the couch, pressing up against each other while playing video games with the others. I remember looking back at you to find you looking at me. Perfection. I don’t know what happened after that. We said goodbye and I thought that would be it. The texts however proved otherwise. I couldn’t believe when I got the text asking if I would say yes if you asked me out. And I said no. Distance is a bitch. 30 miles doesn’t seem like a lot, but it is when you are 16 and car-less. By then you and I both knew that I  liked you back. The party a couple of weeks later was amazing. A simple hug as an introduction was all I needed to be reassured of your feelings. That wink as you danced with another girl. Your protectiveness that came out when those two guys tried to pick me up. Pure perfection. And then it fell apart. The distance got to you. The texts stopped.  I thought that you moved on and so I stopped trying. Trying only to move on. Then I found out that you thought I was the one to stop the texts. A misunderstanding. You started dating another girl all because of a technological difficulty. And me? Where does that leave me? Frozen in time. Hoping that you still care about me and that you will soon realize it. But who am I kidding? You have been with her 3 months now and you are still going strong.